God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
