May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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