God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
