At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
