Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
