I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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