chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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