you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
