im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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