Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
