Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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