It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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