Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
