I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
