Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
