Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
