Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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