You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
