I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
