After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
