Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
