I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
