just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
