im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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