Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
