thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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