i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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