that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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