There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
