Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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