he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
