Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
