I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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