so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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