Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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