nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
