low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
