The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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