You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
