i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
