dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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