she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
