Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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