do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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