I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
