So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
