9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
