Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
