You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
