So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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